Random notes to the authors of the last seven POD books I read:

• Dude, next time translate the German.
• I'm not sure what this means: "He was everywhere and nowhere all at once; he smelled like tuna."
• The heroine of your novel should probably have the same first name throughout the entire book. Probably.
• I've never seen "erect green nipples" before, but if you say so....
• For future reference, it's spelled s*f*u*m*a*t*o, and in any case, I wouldn't use it eight times in one book.
• Uh, there is no September 31st.
• The sun was blinding, her love was blinding, her hope was blinding, her will was blinding, her passion was blinding. I hope she saved some money for cataract surgery.
• To all seven of you: It's for a while, not for awhile.
• FYI - Julius Caesar did not invent the caesar salad.
• Your memoir about trying to write a memoir? Probably sounded clever after a few Heinekens. But there was something missing in the execution--or was that the point?
• I didn't realize your protagonist was a man--until page 87.
• Here's the thing: Dialectical writing almost never works out. It usually comes across as over the top, no matter how good you are. And yes, I've read TRAINSPOTTING and EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED and probably all of the other examples you have in your arsenal of retorts, but I've got news for you: You're no Irvine Welsh. Or should I say, "You ere noo Eervane Waylch."
• Reykjavik is in Iceland, not Russia. By the way, it's not in Poland, either.
• Did a quick word count and you used the "F" word 767 times, or 2.5 times per page. That's enough to make Martin Scorsese blush.
• I have a helpful tip for you: I think the term piquant might work better than like salsa. Just a thought.
• You knew writing in second person would be a challenge. But you did it anyway, against your better judgment. The last book you read was BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY and it stuck with you. You tell your friends you have written a novel. You tell them you are a pioneer of literature. You figure Poddy Mouth will dig your edgy style. You are wrong.
• Are you sure slurpgurgle is really a word?
• Mickey Mack McKeldinroy. Not necessarily my top choice for a name for your protagonist--considering he's Italian.
• Do you know what widows and orphans are? Never mind. I know the answer.
• Are the folks who make Sunny Delight paying you for the abundant product placement? I mean, really, who drinks Sunny D with a porterhouse?
• I want to be very clear about something: Gynecological exams are never sexy. Absolutely never. Understand me: never. If only you had a cervix.
• Actually, I think the planets revolve around the sun, not the other way around. Oh, and there's nine of them, by the way.
• I think you meant assuage, not ass gauge.
• I've got to be honest; I'm surprised even PublishAmerica allowed this to go to print.
• Okay, I understand the complexities of writing about time travel, but how exactly does one go back and kill her mother pre-birth and not get wiped out in the same second? Upon further review, the fourth dimension might not be a good setting for a chick lit novel.
• I'm sorry, but I just don't get it.