At once Freyed, now Burroughed.

I have to admit, memoirs aren't what they used to be. Or rather, they simply aren't.

First we had the Frey debacle, and now the fiasco with Augusten Burroughs. Who's next? Will it turn out Dave Eggers really doesn't have a younger brother? That it was really a kitten he took under his wing all those years in his twenties?

What we need are some foolproof memoirs. True? No, I didn't mean that. I meant foolproof, as impossible-to-disprove.

You fiction writers who are bored/exhausted/bereft-of-ideas/mistakenly-think-writing-a-memoir-will-be-easier-to-get-published should try penning some bogus life story. Just make it airtight. Here a few suggestions which you can take and use to pen a masterpiece. It doesn't matter if you've never experienced these things; just remember: airtight.

STRANDED: A Memoir of Being Lost

PARTY OF ONE: My Life Story of Having No Family, No Friends, No Acquaintances, and No Human Contact

THE REAL LIFE AMAZING DAYS OF THE BUBBLE-BOY

HELLO, BEAUTIFUL: a memoir of self-love

NICE GUY: How I Lived a Life of Loving Everyone, Respecting Everyone, and Generally Having Nothing Bad To Say About Anything. Ever.

GETTING AWAY WITH IT: Crazy Things I've Done That No One Can Prove

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?: An Adventure In Memory Loss

THE NIGHT WATCHMAN: You'd Be Surprised What Goes On When No One Is Around

ONE IN A MILLION: A Tale of Acute Anonymity

IT'S NOT A LIE IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT: A Memoir